It's been said once or twice (but certainly no more than that, sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm) that there isn't much to do in Pensacola, Florida besides go to the beach and see the Blue Angels. The following criminal action is proof of this. Upon reaching my friend Derek's house and seeing he had the nerve not to be there to visit me . . . I snatched his gnome. No, this is not an euphemism for . . . (well, you know). I took his garden gnome. What follows is a true, sometimes scary (well, not really) story of what happens when a mind from the underworld of dis-organized crime arrives to a small town like Pensacola.
STEP #1 After the gnome was thrown into the back of Derek's dad's kidnapper van (just kidding, I used my step-dad's truck), I drove off cackling into sunset and to my grandmother's house (do not worry, no grandmothers were harmed during the filming of this movie and she will not be brought up on accomplice charges).
The following ransom note was sent to Derek's personal email from gnome.snatcher@yahoo.com, an email address created by me and my partner and crime, to carry out the felony (well, in Vermont, gnome snatching is a felony).
"Dear Mr.Stephens,
Your gnome, AKA "Target Dwarf Extraordinaire", was kidnapped recently by the Dwarf Liberation Army. We dwarfs have a major problem with garden gnomes acting like they are better than us. If you want to see your gnome alive, you must rendevous with our group one evening this week. We have attached pictures that prove your gnome is still alive and in good health. If you want him to stay that way, wear a cowboy hat to our meeting with you. You will receive further instructions soon.
(DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHO WE ARE, WE ARE WATCHING YOU . . . AND WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!)
Signed, The DLA - See above for explantion of acronym"
STEP #2 "Proof of the villainy"
We sent the pictures (below) to prove to him we meant business.
STEP #3 "Throwing the victim off the scent of the trail"
I called Derek to make sure he checked his email. Immediately, he asked if I stole his gnome. I have an innocent face, which helped me in this conversation, and convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt, that IIIIIII had no idea what the "DLA" is.
STEP #4 "Derek notifies the police (ok, just his friends)"
Derek forwards the DLA's email to his friends and responds to the DLA's email:
"Wow! I'm intrigued, entertained and disturbed all at the same time!
(you can also throw completely puzzled onto that list) Thankfully I
do have a cowboy hat... though I'm leaving for panama city tomorrow
until Thursday afternoon for work... so please keep that in mind. I
can honestly say this is possibly the best e-mail I've ever gotten...
I suppose I'll await further instructions.
TDE-less Derek ...my little slice of the ghetto front yard just isn't
the same without him... please keep him safe! haha... whoever this is."
Signed, Derek
STEP #5 "Turns out Derek has more than one weird, sadistic friend"
Derek's friends, liking the fact that someone would be so weird to steal Derek's special Target employee garden gnome and taunt him (Derek, not the gnome), run with the idea.
Voice messages with smurf-like voices, claiming to the the DLA, flood his voice mail. He even receives another picture from a "copy-cat DLA" group (below).
STEP #6 "The culprit is revealed"
One week after the crime, Nadav and I, cowboy hat in hand and displayed clearly, arrive to breakfast at the Waffle House with Derek and find out the details of his gnome-less week. A moment before he leaves, I tell him that I have a present for him, Mr. Target-Gnome-Extraordinaire!
